Exploring the Cuckold Fantasy
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What makes the cuckold fantasy so interesting to some men?
Why do they feel pleasure and satisfaction from allowing their wives to sleep with other men?
In other words, what’s The Psychology of the Cuckold Fetish?
If you haven’t yet examined the reasons for the cuckold fantasy, I highly suggest that you read that article prior to this one,.
Let’s get the hard scientific data out of the way, which shouldn’t be that hard considering there really isn’t much currently, although that may be changing. Dr. David Ley and Dan Savage are currently co-authoring a paper on cuckolding, which I am eagerly awaiting.
Alright, so let’s get right to it. The cuckold fantasy has components of sadomasochism, voyeurism, and edge play.
Now science may be able to tell us what people with these behaviors generally like and prefer, but not why they enjoy them.
Part of the difficulty is that people are incredibly unique – even those with the cuckold fantasy.
We are a product of our genetics, of our upbringing and socio-cultural exposure, as well as our individual life experiences.
There are a lot of possible combinations when you look at all the variables, which makes coming up with definite conclusions both difficult and a little dangerous.
So with that in mind, let’s see if we can pick out some general characteristics of how and why cuckolds get so much pleasure from the cuckold fantasy.
Not all cuckolds watch their wife have sex in person, but even the cuckolds that don’t tend to form detailed memories of their wife’s sexual encounters.
These images become something of a private porn collection that the cuckold uses to further fuel his fantasy.
So what is it about watching or thinking about watching that makes the cuckold fantasy so hot?
I think one of the reasons has to do with the fact that the vast majority of cuckolds are men and men are biologically visual creatures.
Ogi Ogas, in his book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, points out that, when it comes to sexual arousal, most men prefer graphic images and most women prefer stories.
The reason has to do with the evolutionary strategies of men and women to meet the primary goal of life – to pass on their genes to the next generation in the form of children.
If we want to grossly oversimplify it, we could say that men go for quantity and women go for quality.
All a man has to do is the classic “hit and run.” The more he does it, the better his odds of passing on his genes to the next generation. It’s a numbers game.
That means that the only real requirement for men to have sex is attraction – and sometimes they don’t even need that.
Women, on the other hand, tend to go for quality over quantity.
Historically, having a baby was a huge investment in time and resources so women evolved strategies to help them select and be attracted to the ideal mate.
This would be someone who would care for them and their children, posses strong genes to pass on to her children, and have resources enough for everybody.
A one night stand could be a BIG problem, so as a general rule, women evolved a tendency to wait to have sex.
They were waiting for their detective software to have time enough to analyze the guy and make a decision on whether or not he was a suitable mate.
Sex was a commodity that had to be protected.
So we can safely say that men evolved to be visual creatures – they get turned on by sight and sound almost exclusively.
And getting turned on by watching or imagining women having sex is almost a universal male trait.
The cuckold fantasy puts an interesting twist on this voyeuristic trait by removing the husband from the leading role and placing him as an observer to his own wife.
In Star Wars, and a ton of other Hollywood blockbusters, the dark side is always touted as seductive, enchanting, and dangerous.
In many ways, the cuckold fantasy is the dark side of sex. I don’t mean “dark” as in “wrong,” but rather as taboo, fringe, and edgy.
Think back to a time you did something you weren’t supposed to be doing.
How dd it feel in your body?
Did it make the situation more exciting?
The forbidden has a powerful attraction and what could be more forbidden in our society than purposely urging your wife to have sex with other men?
It’s not just the taboo or the forbidden, though. It’s also about the danger and uncertainty that surrounds cuckoldry.
There’s a constant threat that she could leave, prefer him, stop having sex with us, etc.
This constant perception of danger activates the autonomic nervous system, which as we will see, stimulates the body into a state of hyper-arousal and greatly magnifies sexual intensity.
In other words, when people are afraid, they have the potential to get really, really turned on.
This state of hyper-arousal is one of the primary reasons for the obsessive quality of the cuckold fantasy.
It’s almost as if entertaining the fantasy is enough alter the body chemistry in a positive way.
Adrenaline and endorphins released during the stress response are part of the reason that bottoms in BDSM experience “sub-space” – a sort of trance-like zone they fall into.
The cuckold fantasy seems to involve a similar physiology, but from a mental rather than a physical standpoint.
In 1973, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aaron set out to reveal that physical arousal — specifically, reactions to scary situations — can actually impact sexual attraction.
This experiment became known as the famous Capilano Suspension Bridge Experiment.
The study’s main experiment had men between the ages of 18 and 35 approach an attractive woman. Now some of these men had to cross a high, rickety, unstable bridge to reach her, and others only needed to cross a low, stable bridge.
At the end of each bridge, the woman gave the men a questionnaire. She then told them that if they wanted to know more about the questionnaire, they could call her, and she handed over her phone number.
The men on the scary bridge included more sexual content and imagery in their questionnaire responses than the the guys on the safe bridge.
Moreover, only two out of the 16 participants on the safe bridge called the woman, while half of the 18 participants on the scary bridge took the opportunity to call her afterward.
In other words, this famous study pointed out the link between the perception of danger and a heightened sexual response.
Subsequent studies have found the same link between the perception of danger and sexual attraction.
In a 2003 study of non-romantic partners on roller coaster rides, researchers found that:
“ratings of attractiveness and dating desirability toward a photographed individual were substantially higher among those who had completed” the ride, noting that “residual arousal from riding a roller-coaster intensified participants’ later experience of attraction.
In other words, people riding the roller coaster felt and responded in a much more sexual manner than people who didn’t ride the roller coaster.
In all these cases, the sympathetic nervous system is activated, but here’s the kicker.
It stays on.
The switch doesn’t go off the way it’s supposed to in the cuckold fantasy.
Because the other emotions of the cuckold are all rooted in shame and self-doubt, they constantly perceive some level of danger in the cuckolding lifestyle.
This causes the sympathetic nervous system to stay activated at a lower level, which is why so many cuckolds live in a state of hyper-arousal.
Fear or the perception danger is an arousal maximizer in cuckold fantasies.
This feeling of being constantly “sexually charged” often becomes an addictive component of the cuckold fantasy.
The last major component that helps explain arousal in the cuckold fantasy is the idea of mental masochism. This is a form of mental pain that is magically transformed into pleasure.
I say “magically” because no one really knows how this happens.
For bottoms in BDSM play, the physical pain causes a huge release of endorphins in addition to inducing a type of trance-like state from the stimulation.
This raises a really intriguing question?
Can mental pain, as opposed to physical pain, also cause the release of endorphins or other unidentified chemical messengers?
We already know that adrenaline is released with activation of the sympathetic nervous system during the perception of anxiety or fear, but what else might be going on?
Most men with the cuckold fantasy speak of a sexual “high” whenever their wife has sex with someone else and this high can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.
This “high” is almost always a reference to the state of hyper-arousal we have been discussing.
So rather than suffering mental anguish, cuckolds transform that energy and direct it towards a supercharged sexuality of their own.
The risk and the danger are the fuel for the extreme arousal of the cuckold.
A Word from Cuckolds Themselves
One reason I like the HW brand of marriage is that it helps cure me of thinking possessively, of thinking that she’s “my woman.” I like her best when I view her as an independent person, who lives her own life largely on her own terms and yet, miraculously, has committed herself to going through life with me.- Ryan, Z
Before we tried HWing, I admit that there were months, even years, when I took her for granted, when I viewed her as “my wife” in the possessive, non-romantic sense of that phrase. However, that rarely happens when she has another relationship. And now, even when she doesn’t, knowing that it’s possible reminds me to view her not as an object but rather as the free spirit that she truly is.- Bill, W.
My wife has never asked for a big cock. I have been the one to seek out big cocks for her. I’m the one who wants big cocks in her. I’ve seen her have great orgasms with guys with cocks of all sizes. It’s been said before but here I go again … Women have great sex with someone they have an emotional feeling for. Men are more meat and potatoes. I like my wife to be fucked by a big strong muscular guy with a big dick. I like to watch her doing it like I enjoy watching porno. Watching my wife enjoying getting fucked by a big cock is better than watching porno on a t.v.. It’s happening right in front of me. It’s my wife. She’s the star. I love her. – Peter, D.
I think the reason men want their bride to be a HotWife is a good deal about getting more out of their sex life.To them, having sex is not good enough. What other men would consider exciting would not do it for them. Some men NEED more stimulation. What could be more exciting than to see your wife being taken by someone else. Some spouses need to ratchet it up a great deal in order to make sex very rewarding. What would be exciting for others; does not make it for some.- Stephen, S.
I think the reason men want their bride to be a HotWife is a good deal about getting more out of their sex life.To them, having sex is not good enough. What other men would consider exciting would not do it for them. Some men NEED more stimulation. What could be more exciting than to see your wife being taken by someone else. Some spouses need to ratchet it up a great deal in order to make sex very rewarding. What would be exciting for others; does not make it for some. – Justin, O.
Because watching my lovely bride in the sizzling heat of passionate lovemaking is like observing the beautiful majesty of the changing hues of a mountain sunset. Each occasion is special, awe-inspiring and moving. As an artist can touch the soul with oils and canvas, my wife can produce an inferno of excitement with her captivating personality and gorgeous body. Having performed in air shows before, I know the best seat is actually on the ground in the crowd, not in the air. Being in the aircraft does give you the thrill of being tossed around a bit but you really can’t experience everything else that is going on. You have to exclusively focus on your personal performance. Being able to step back and just observe allows me to truly appreciate the wonder that is her and witness the poetry of her sexuality in motion. I love her and I love to watch her or even just imagine her in action as she tells me of her night out. – Matthew, H.
I think the answer might be that some men (not all) tend to gravitate toward tempting fate in their personal search for excitement and adventure, toying with “risk” and challenging the “ultimate sacrifice” as we ascend to a desirable level of self-identity. Some men climb mountains, some sail solo around the globe – stretching their physical and emotional endurance. Not all of us can afford such adventurous luxuries, but pushing the envelope with the cuckold fantasy can produce similar mind-bending experiences for free. Perhaps that’s why the sex is so good afterwards – the staggering elation of poking your collective fingers in the eye of cultural authority. We approach it together as man and woman, feel the nervous anxiety and angst of passing her to another man to experience the most powerful stimulant known to the species, then fuck with reckless abandon afterwards. – Michael, F.
To me the real question is why do we feel this arousal? I am probably wrong about this, but I think it has something to do with us men being whores. We love sex and I’ll bet that there is not a man here that does not think that had he been born a woman he would have been out for all he could get. Therefore I suggest that wanting your wife to be the same way is a way of achieving a commonness with her that would be very hard to achieve otherwise. It is not that we don’t love them, or that we want them to be sluts, but that we want them to be like us. Maybe we can understand them better that way. – Andy, P.
Its a special gift from me. I love her and trust her love for me unconditionally. There is no greater proof of that than to allow her to be with other men.
The cuckold fantasy is extremely exciting. It is probably akin to a pilot training for emergencies in a flight simulator. In the back of your mind you know there will be no real harm but that does not stop the front of your mind from setting off all the appropriate alarm bells and letting the adrenaline flow.
It is adventuresome. I doubt that many old people sit around later in life regretting wild things they did when they were younger. Far better to look back and smile to yourself remembering the good times.
It enhances our sex life. After four years sex between us is still almost as hot as ever largely due to our ‘extra-curricular activities’.
It makes me love her more. After she is with someone else I practically burst at the seams with love for her. Its almost like being in love for the first time again complete with butterflies in the stomach. The state of pseudo ‘competition’ for her affections causes me to ‘woo her’ all over again, just like when we were first dating.
It makes her feel sexy and beautiful. It’s easy for me to tell her that she is beautiful but of course I’m biased. For her to attract and bed another man makes her feel that she really is attractive and desirable. And the more she believes it the more sexy and beautiful she gets. It’s a win-win situation.
It’s HOT. The images in my mind (and every once in awhile live and up close!) of her in the arms of another man and her letting him use her is extremely arousing to me. I don’t know why that is but it isn’t too uncommon (and there are certainly a thousand other things that people get off on that are way more kinky than that!).
Its natural. Its an undisputed fact that men and women are predisposed to be promiscuous. Acceptance of this is so much easier than denial.
Its smart. The number one cause of a relationship failing is infidelity. If you can find a way around that you’re much more likely to live happily ever after. Is the grass really greener over the fence? Go roll around in it and find out, just be home by morning.
I think we’re perfect for each other. We are so much alike yet just different enough to keep things interesting. I don’t worry (much) about her finding someone so much better than me that she’d consider trading me in. – Chad, H.
Wrapping Up the Cuckold Fantasy
So how can we take all of this and come up with a short sentence or two that tries to sum up the general characteristics behind the psychology of the cuckold fantasy?
The sexual arousal experienced by the cuckold is multi-faceted. It combines elements of voyeurism, the taboo, and masochism in a way that activates the sympathetic nervous system. This places the body into a state of hyper-arousal and causes the release of adrenaline, dopamine, and other neurotransmitters that serve to make the fantasy potent and even addictive.
You can read more about defining cuckoldry here.
Dutton, D.G. & Aaron, A.P. (1974). Journal of Personal Social Psychology, 30(4): 510-7. Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety.
Meston, C.M. & Frohlich, P.F. (2003). Love at first fright: Partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32(6), 537-544.
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