Name: Ben Steel, CEO | Address: PO Box 8874 Portland, OR 97207

Phone: (503) 946-8792 | Email:


Information, Advice, and Coaching

The Hotwife Fantasy in the 21st Century

Prefer to Watch a Video?

An article published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2016 found that the searches for the hotwife fantasy and non-monogamous relationship styles are on the rise. Information collected from Google search trends revealed that people are increasingly searching for information on polyamory and open relationships.

hotwife-fantasy-google-trendsInterestingly, at the same time, search queries for swinging are dropping. Dr. Lehmiller, of Sex and Psychology, suggests that the hotwife fantasy is replacing swinging for the more sexually-focused couples.

Below you can see additional data from Google trends that shows the search volumes for swinging (blue) and the hotwife fantasy (red)


Dr. Lehmiller admits that these number are reflective of porn searches and may or may not reflect genuine interest in the hotwife fantasy outside of a pornographic context.

Additional data from a recent YouGov study sheds more light on the prevalence of the hotwife fantasy. 1,000 people were surveyed and asked the following question:

“How would you react if your partner wanted to engage in sexual activities with someone else?”

Participants had four options to choose from: “there is no way I would be OK with it,” “whether I am OK with it or not depends on the situation,” “I would be OK with it,” or “not sure.”

Survey data can be seen below:


Of note, 42% of male and 24% of females were open to further discussion on the subject and the majority of these people are millennial, reflecting the more liberal sexual stance of emerging generations.

Another fascinating point was that while 10% of the men said they’d be open to the idea regardless of circumstances, only 2% of the women said the same thing.  This data reflects the much larger distribution of the hotwife fantasy among men, while also serving to refute the common assumption that men are more sexually jealous.

In fact, I argue in the Psychology of Cuckoldry, that jealousy is an integral component of the hotwife fantasy and presents itself in a much different manner than traditional depictions of jealousy.

Hotwifing vs Cuckolding

Is there a difference between hotwifing and cuckolding?

It depends on who you ask.

In some circles, hotwifing refers to a cuckold scenario, but without any humiliating or degrading components. The guy just likes to watch his wife with other men.

Cuckolding, by contrast, can refer to someone who also enjoys watching their sexually active wife, but prefers some level of humiliation and submission to accompany it.

Cuckolding is still used as the umbrella term for men involved in a cuckold relationship today.

Do Any Women Have the Hotwife Fantasy?

Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a popular expert in human sexuality, had this to say:

“We do not know nearly as much about troilism (the cuckold fantasy) among women—unfortunately, it is a topic that just has not generated any significant research attention. However, we know that some women do indeed have this sexual interest. This is sometimes referred to as ‘cuckqueaning’ (‘cuckquean’ being the female equivalent of the term ‘cuckold’).”

Although no one really knows how many cuckqueans there are (sorry guys), Dr. Lehmiller offers a tantalizing clue. In an ongoing study he is conducting about the sexual fantasies of adults, he queried more than 2,000 people and found that 35% of the women admitted they have fantasized about watching their partner with someone else. Compare that to 49% of the men.  It’s not a huge difference, is it?

Pay attention guys,  if you find one of these rare gems. you better hold onto her! The cuckquean may be the quintessential pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. She’s ephemeral and hard to catch, but well worth the effort if you can find this elusive treasure.

Fantasy Roadblocks

Despite the widespread appeal of the hotwife fantasy, most would-be cuckolds admit to several challenges regarding their fetish.

First, most cuckolds feel some measure of jealousy, inadequacy, and shame about their fetish. They have a hard time understanding why it appeals to them or why they have it in the first place. Coming to terms with their turn-on can be difficult. If you’re looking for help in this area, check out the two hyperlinks above.

Related to this idea is the fear of admitting the fantasy to your wife.  In fact, this is probably the number one we receive at Cuckold Relationship: tell me how to talk to my wife about cuckolding, which often translates to, “how do I get her to do it?”

You can start by avoiding a few of the most classic mistakes: trying to persuade her to have sex with someone else and asking someone to hit on her without her permission. I’ve seen many well-intentioned guys go down in flames over this one.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is to be honest about the nature of your turn-on, while removing any expectation for your wife to fulfill the hotwife fantasy,

This is where a lot of guys get hung up.  You can’t convince your wife to sleep with other people – only she can do that for herself.  You can share your fetish, state your position, and give her the opportunity, but after that, it’s time to let go.

Pushing the fantasy on her or desperately trying to convince her to do something she’s not yet comfortable with are surefire ways to watch cuckolding blow up in your face.

For most men, you have to play the long game if you want her to cuckold you.  She has a lot of personal history and cultural conditioning to deal with and it takes time – years in most cases.

So mention your fantasy once or twice a month, but don’t be pushy, and expect it to take a while. In the meantime, role play is a great way to enjoy the hotwife fantasy….


Ben Steel Founder of Cuckold Relationship

Share This