Name: Ben Steel, CEO | Address: PO Box 8874 Portland, OR 97207

Phone: (503) 946-8792 | Email: ben@cuckoldrelationship.com

 

Information, Advice, and Coaching

Jealous Cuckolds:

How to Effectively Deal With Jealousy

Prefer to Watch a Video?

Jealous Cuckolds

Let’s talk about jealous cuckolds.  This is a BIG topic that affects a lot of men, and unfortunately, it’s also something no one is really talking about.

People figure that, if you ask your wife to sleep with someone and then get jealous, that you’re just getting what you “deserve.” But do jealous cuckolds really “deserve” it?

jealous-cuckolds
Even cuckolds get jealous

There is a common assumption that there aren’t any jealous cuckolds. I mean, “why would they ask their wives to sleep with other people if they get jealous,” or so the common wisdom goes.

Well, in case you didn’t already know, jealous cuckolds are the rule rather than the exception.

But before we dive in on how to deal with jealousy, let’s take a closer look at jealousy itself.

Exploring Jealousy

cuckolds-emotions
There are 4 primary emotions that humans experience

There are 4 primary emotions: joy, sadness, fear, and anger.  All emotions are some combination of these 4 primary emotions.

Jealousy is a complicated emotion that consists of fear, anger, and sadness all rolled into one big, overpowering feeling. All the challenging emotions are present (fear, anger, sadness) in jealousy, which is why it feels so overpowering when it hits you.

That’s all well and good, but how do we suppose that jealous cuckolds become jealous in the first place?

Science will tell you that there is a biologic basis for jealousy.  It’s nature’s way of ensuring that we can catch an unfaithful wife so that we have a better chance of passing on our own genes.

Continuation of your genome is rather the point of life so it makes sense that we have a mechanism to ensure that we can do it.

Research shows us that when men suspect their wives of cheating, they have sex almost immediately via some unknown arousal  mechanism. Research also reveals that these men thrust deeper, harder, and longer than usual.

But why?

Nature causes men to get briefly aroused, long enough to shovel out the other’s guys sperm and deposit his own, therefore ensuring continuation of his genes and not the offending male’s genes.

But this “arousal through jealousy” switch gets stuck in the “on” position for most cuckolds, although we still don’t know why exactly.

The end result?

We become aroused through some unknown biologic mechanism and that arousal is so powerful that it overshadows the feelings of jealousy that caused it in the first place!

It’s the ultimate irony in the life of jealous cuckolds.

jealous-cuckolds-and-the-rollercoaster
Sometimes, a cuckold’s life can feel a lot like this….

At this point, you can start to feel like you’re on a roller-coaster – turned-on one minute and jealous the next…..

It can be a bumpy-ass ride sometimes and it leaves us wondering why we got on the damn roller coaster to begin with.

So let’s take a look at where some of the frightening twists and turns come form and why they impact jealous cuckolds.

Jealousy is a common reaction to fear of abandonment or cheating, feelings of unworthiness, and scarcity (there isn’t enough love to around, etc.).

And what do all of the reasons for jealousy have in common?

They are all fear-based.

And because we all have different genetics, different types of socio-cultural exposure, and different life experiences, the way jealous cuckolds perceive and interact with that jealousy varies widely.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Is jealousy good or bad?

That totally depends on the angle you’re coming from. If you’re monogamous, then jealousy is a natural mechanism that you rely on to warn you when something isn’t right. Jealousy serves a positive and protective function from this perspective.

The other side of that coin is that jealousy usually indicates an attitude (conscious or not) of possessiveness and ownership and this is something cuckolds intentionally stand against. The freedom of the female partner is paramount in cuckolding, even among jealous cuckolds.

So from the perspective of jealous cuckolds, jealousy isn’t necessarily a “good” thing, but I want to emphasize here that we almost never have conscious control over when we feel jealous or not.

It’s not your fault if you’re among the jealous cuckolds.

So make sure you’re not beating yourself up for getting jealous.  I’ve been a cuckold for 5 years and I make my living helping other cuckolds.  I still get jealous to this day.

There is nothing wrong with being one of the jealous cuckolds.  It’s what we choose to do with that feeling and how we choose to move forward that makes the real difference.

Unraveling Jealousy

Alright, let’s jump into a 5 step process that you can use to deal with jealousy effectively when it arises. .

jealousy-ladder-big-picture
The complete 5-step process for handling jealousy.

Above you can see the entire 5-step process for dealing with jealousy. In its most basic form, we are simply challenging our own thoughts and investigating both their truth and our bias to get to the root cause of why we are jealous cuckolds.

Step 1

jealousy-ladder-step-1
The first step is acknowledging your jealousy

The first thing you need to do is openly acknowledge your jealousy, which can be challenging, especially if you feel like you “shouldn’t” be jealous.

This is not a trivial step.  Without admittance, it is impossible to deal with jealousy effectively.

Step 2

jealousy-ladder-step-2
The second step is asking “why” we’re jealous

Now that you’ve admitted your jealousy, it’s time to take a deep breath and ask yourself why you’re feeling jealous?

I’ll use an example from my own life to illustrate the process.

I got jealous last week when my wife said she was going to go her lover’s office party. I mean, it really triggered me. So I took a deep breath, got real with myself, and went digging for what I was afraid of.

Because if you’re feeling jealous…..it’s ALWAYS fear-based.

jealousy-is-the-fear-of-comparison-quote
Jealousy typically indicates a fear of replacement or abandonment.

This is the list of initial fears I came up with:

1. I feared losing her
2. I was afraid that if she gave affection and attention to him, I wouldn’t get any
3. I was afraid he might be “better than me” and then I wouldn’t be special anymore and she would leave.
4. I’ve had women leave me in the past and I projected my fear of a recurrence onto her.

Now this is not as easy as it sounds.  Looking past your surface emotions of anger, upset, or anxiety is hard but there is always a reason beneath them and it is ALWAYS centered on a fear you have.

So find those fears and write them down.  Your mind will often toy with you with you if you don’t write your fears down and make them concrete.

Step 3

jealousy-ladder-3
The third step involves seeking the “why behind the why”

This is where we dig deep and blast past our “surface” reasons to find the “why behind the why.”

In other words, what the “real reason” that we are feeling like one of the jealous cuckolds?

For example, one of my initial fears was:

“I’m afraid she’ll leave me for him.”

This was my translation to the “real reason.”

I’m afraid of being alone —> if I’m alone, no one will be there to validate me —> Without validation, I don’t feel whole –> I’m afraid I won’t find someone else to validate me —> I think I need someone else to be happy.

Step 4

jealousy-ladder-step-4
In step 4, we’re assessing the truth of our answer in step 3

In step 3, we blasted past our surface reasons for jealousy and looked for the “real why.”

In step 4, we’ll look to see if our “real reason(s)” bear any connection to reality or if it’s all in our head.

For example, my “real reason” for jealousy was that I feared I wouldn’t be happy without a woman to validate me. I needed to evaluate the evidence for that in step 4.

Do I have any evidence to suggest that I will be unhappy without a woman to validate me? No. Every reason I came up with was conjecture.

I don’t have a good reason to believe it.  I’m simply AFRAID of it.

But the answer won’t always be “no.”  Sometimes our fears are rooted in reality.

So what happens if your answer is “yes” to any of these questions?

Then it’s time to move on to step 5.

Step 5

jealousy-ladder-step-5
The fifth and final step is risk management

If you are in step 5, your “real reason” for being one of the jealous cuckolds has some basis in reality.  As a result, you need to ask yourself one critical question.

Am I prepared to deal with the possibility that (whatever your real reason is) will happen?

This is called “risk management”

Let’s look at an example.

Here was my “real reason.”

“I need a woman to validate me in order to be happy.”

So here’s the critical question:

Am I prepared to accept that reality if it happens?

If the answer is yes, proceed with cuckolding.

If the answer is no, I would think twice about proceeding.

It’s that simple.

We investigate our fear, perform a reality check on it, and engage in risk management.

jealousy-ladder-overview
The jealousy process simplified

Dealing with jealousy effectively is all about understanding your fears, checking to see if they are real or not, and then, if they are, deciding whether the risk is acceptable or not.

Jealousy and Spock

I’ve been asked a number of times if you can just “think your way through jealousy.” You know, get over it spock-style.

It’s nearly impossible to eliminate completely, but you can turn down the volume significantly.

And you can do it through something called “cognitive therapy.

This is a way to stay aware of your negative thought patterns, and if you recognize that you’re having one, how to sort of coach yourself into a more positive mindset.

There are a lot of other factors at play, but this is the heart of it.

This is how you will know whether you’re likely to have an awesome time or whether you’re going to get steam-rolled as a jealous cuckold.

For more information on how to manage your cuckold fantasy, come visit us at http://www.cuckoldrelationship.com

end-of-article

Share This