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5 Reasons That Men are Drawn to Cuckoldry

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When considering the cuckold meaning, the two top questions that women have is always the same:

Why do you want me to sleep with other men?

Why does it turn you on so much?

In other words, they want to an answer to the question “what does being a cuckold mean?”

Let’s take a look at 5 current theories that are being used to explain the meaning of cuckolding and why men have the fantasy of watching their wife have sex with someone else.

We’ll begin our journey by looking through the lens of pain to discover why masochism is an integral component of cuckolding and one of the answers to our query: what does cuckold mean?

Cuckold Meaning: Theory #1

The Pain Slut Theory

what-does-cuckold-mean-pain theory
Pain is one of the cornerstones of cuckoldry

Anneli Rufus, writing for the Daily Beast, commented that cuckolds are simply masochists who “revel in the psychological agony” of the cuckold fantasy.  She thinks of it as a mental form of masochism and it greatly affects the way people perceive the cuckold meaning.

Is there any truth to this?

For many cuckolds, there are almost always additional emotions involved other than hyper-arousal.  These feelings run the gamut between the pleasurable and the offensive.

For instance, the pleasurable feelings involve intense sexual arousal, lust, devotion, and a heightened sense of awareness.

Some of the more challenging emotions involve shame, inadequacy, and jealousy just to name a few.

Just as masochists find pleasure in being whipped and spanked, cuckolds find pleasure in the mental torment of their wife’s sexual activities, which gives the term a rather unique quality.

What does cuckold mean?

Think of it as the equivalent of extreme sports in the sexual arena.

In both cases, the high intensity situation involves a certain degree of danger and excitement.  This causes the activation of the sympathetic nervous, which releases adrenaline, dopamine, and other neurotransmitters.

The result is a state of hyper-arousal and awareness.

Think Johnny Utah from the newest Point Break.

Jonny Utah in a seriously extreme moto-cross scene

It is the uncertainty, the danger, the novelty, and even the taboo aspects of the fantasy that all combine to activate the fight or flight system.

The state of hyper-arousal often masks the more unpleasant emotions mentioned earlier, which brings up an interesting point concerning the cuckold meaning.

Most cuckolds fluctuate between two poles:

1. extreme turn-on
2. personal discomfort

When the cuck is imagining the situation, the constant, but low level activation of the sympathetic nervous system causes a state of hyper-arousal, which masks the unpleasant feelings, and all the cuckold feels is seriously turned on.

However, when sexual release finally occurs, the sympathetic nervous system gradually quiets as the state of hyper-arousal diminishes. The unpleasant feelings that were masked now come bubbling to the surface.

It’s a very interesting feedback loop.

The anxiety, excitement, and perceived danger all activate the sympathetic nervous system, which elevates sexual arousal and helps mask the very feelings that caused its release in the first place!

When that state of hyper-arousal is lessened, those unpleasant feelings become more apparent and the cycle starts over again.

Let’s consider the question again, “What does cuckold mean?”

Part of that answer must include the fluctuating emotional state of the cuckold and how it drives his sexuality.

Anticipation of the forbidden and the perceived danger of the sexual scenario drive arousal upward.

The post-orgasmic state involves a severe decline in arousal, and therefore, a sharp increase in the experience of potentially challenging emotions.

Cuckold Meaning: Theory #2

The Fear Factor

Fear of loss and abandonment can precipitate the cuckold fantasy

I named this theory for the fact that some men fetishize what scares them.

Such fears include being cheated on, being left or abandoned for someone else, not being good enough, fear that you can’t satisfy her, etc.

Michael Bader, a well known sexual psychotherapist, demonstrates this phenomenon extremely well in his book, “Arousal.

He says that the purpose of sexual fantasy is to remove obstacles to arousal and sexual activity.

For instance, let’s say that a woman grew up feeling ugly. As an adult she may have a fantasy about being a high end prostitute.


Because now she is so desirable and sexy that men will pay any price to have her. The fantasy counteracts the fear, freeing her up to become turned on and sexual.

This same process can occur in men who have some fear of cheating, abandonment, or not being good enough for their wife.

This is how I personally developed the fantasy over a decade ago.

Dan Savage suggests that men might utilize cuckolding in order to avert the perceived danger of betrayal by preempting the situation with permission.

In other words, some guys fear being cheated on so much that they attempt to diffuse even the possibility by engaging in a cuckold relationship where at least there is some honesty and transparency around it.

Ironic?  Yes. But hey, no one ever said our sexual preferences were logical….

So in trying to discover the answer to the question, “what does cuckold mean”, we find that it entails accepting some level of irony and contradiction.

Cuckold Meaning: Theory #3

The Sperm Wars

The “sperm competition” theory

Scientists call the theory “sperm competition.” and it’s all based firmly in the theory of evolution.

From an evolutionary perspective, the sole purpose of life is to pass on your genes to the next generation.

As a result, evolutionary psychologists believe that we have evolved certain mechanisms to help make sure we can pass on our genes, especially if we suspect our wives of cheating on us.

Jealousy is one of these mechanisms.

Research into the sperm competition theory suggests that when a man becomes jealous, he becomes sexually aroused – even if this occurs on a subconscious level.

This same research suggests that men will want to have sex almost immediately upon suspecting cheating and that they tend to thrust deeper, harder, and longer when they are jealous, presumably to aid in the removal of the offending sperm.

In addition, Gordon Gallup has conducted research with findings that the ridged head of the penis is effective in removing up to 91% of any sperm present in the vagina compared with 30% by a dildo without a ridged head.

It seems our penis was designed to be a sperm shovel.

The purpose of the shovel is to remove the other man’s sperm so that you can deposit your own sperm and ensure that your wife is raising your kid and not his.

In some men, this “arousal by jealousy” switch gets stuck in the on position and the longer the switch is on, the more entrenched and developed the fantasy becomes.

Cuckold Meaning: Theory #4

The Pleasure Principle

The sight of a woman in pleasure is enough to drive some men to cuckolding

Many men report that “watching” their wives moaning, groaning, and writhing in ecstasy is a substantial turn-on.

I think that, in some men, this turn-on is so powerful and so strong that it doesn’t matter who is bringing her to pleasure.  What matters is that she is in pleasure and he can see it unfold.

Also, being an observer allows him to witness the unfolding of her pleasure in a way that is impossible when he is directly involved.

Some men may be willing to endure the risk and the discomfort just to witness this spectacular event.

Research in 2006 reveals something of how common exhibitionism and voyeurism really are.


Cuckold Meaning: Theory #5


Compersion is anti-jealousy

Compersion is a term from polyamory, which means that one partner feels joy and happiness at the other person’s pleasure.

It doesn’t matter whether it comes from them or not. It can be sexual, but it is often more than that – it is a genuine wish for the other’s happiness.

I have a lot of polyamorous friends and one in particular made an impression on me. He doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body.  He takes immense pleasure in his wife’s pleasure – both sexual and romantic.

This is probably the least common explanation as jealousy tends to be a near universal human trait.


 So to recap, there are 5 major theories that exist to explain cuckoldry:

1. That we are all masochistic pain sluts.

2. That we fetishize what we fear until it becomes a constant turn-on.

3. That evolution bestowed jealousy to ensure that we became aroused if we suspected cheating so that we can pass on our own sperm and ensure our own genes survive.

4. That the natural aphrodisiac of seeing our partner in pleasure is so strong in some men that they prefer to enjoy the show from a distance and take in every aspect without being distracted by involvement.

5. Some people possess an extraordinary amount of compersion and feel very little jealousy. Thus, they have no problem giving their wife free reign.

There is no definitive proof for any of these, although the logic is sound in all of them. It is likely that the reason for the cuckold fantasy has many components and not just one.

In other words, it’s probably a little bit of everything along with our own life experiences that activates and releases the cuckold fantasy.

So what can we say now about the cuckold meaning?

We can say that the reasons for the cuckold fantasy are varied, but almost always involve “arousal through discomfort.”

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